Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me

Me: OMG just get in the shower

I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.

The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.

Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.

Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.

Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.

Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.

Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.

CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.

If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something

I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done

My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.

Daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!”

“Uhh, yeah, it’s because the bottom half is missing.”

toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”

Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?

Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT

Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE

Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?

Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.

Banker:

Me:

Banker: I’m in.

To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”

A horror story in seven words

Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!

I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station

Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?

Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.

Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.

Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.

[at the zoo]

HER: look at that leopard

ME: beautiful

HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?

ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen

A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?

Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great

“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.

Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.

I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.

*Arrives at the barbers*

“I’d like some highlights please”

*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*