Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation

me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird

Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months

Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing

My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.

Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore

It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.

if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert

i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please

scarecrow: i need a brain!

tin man: i need a heart!

me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item

dorothy: again, he’s not with us

Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch

[Heaven]

God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth

Stan Lee: Nuff said!

God: It’s just part of the job

Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]

*walks down street*

*panties drop left and right*

*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*

*picks up panties*

*continues home*

I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”

Me: “When can I start?”

describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys

doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news

wife: [crying]

me: that’s a spicy meatball

Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.

I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.

Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.

Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..

But never lemons.

Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?

*points to dead cactus*

Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.

Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.

I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming

Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.

A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.

Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.

I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle

Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox

(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!

~ Toddler selective hearing