Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?

“So send me a picture of you…”

*sends*

“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”

men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>

“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.

I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.

*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest

I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.

if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.

Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.

Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair

I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.

Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..

My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness

I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.

Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face

“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”

[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”

-cats

Me: *points to donut case*

Her: How many would you like, ma’am?

Me: Yes.

You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three

Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?

Me: *defensively* I have been using-

Wife: Not as a coaster

Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink

I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.

☠️

My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half

just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life

[on a first date]

“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”

Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”

Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.

Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.

friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you

hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]

me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him

Veteran Parent Tip:

Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house