Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send

Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

😂

All excellent questions

When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.

8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!

Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.

In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.

In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.

Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.

6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?

[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood

[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?

me: I’m gonna work from home today

co-pilot: wait

BETRAYAL

Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart

me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”

The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.

guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face

me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy

Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.

I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze

It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.

I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.

Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.

Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”

(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)

Kid: You’re not a Dr!

Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?

Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.

Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house

Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room

“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels

Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours

3yo: I want to help!

Me: You can help by being quiet.

3yo:

Me:

3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!

[at pet store]

Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.

HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!

ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.