Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.

Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.

I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!

They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa

My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”

I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.

Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.

Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.

Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.

Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose

My zodiac sign is pistachio

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead

This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him

My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE

Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁

I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?

A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.

The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant

JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school

ME: i do not relate

JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs

ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking

If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself

AND

When a women asks if you notice anything different

kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again

women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close

I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me

CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?

WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s

CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda

Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste

My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her

Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.

Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]

I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.

My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.

30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.