Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie

Them: just trust your gut

Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?

We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:

– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)

Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.

Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot

Me: ok

My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate

Me: ok

me: shoot for the moon

astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates

Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!

[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?

Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.

nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in

My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”

[commercial for college]

*person shoveling money into furnace*

Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?

Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?

I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”

Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.

[being haunted]

Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*

Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that

Me:

Ghost:

Me: you know what being haunted is fine

My son wants a proper drum kit for Christmas but I’ve only got him a miniature one so I’m expecting wee percussions…

“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.

The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.

I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.

Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?

When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.

Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.

“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔

wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No