Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*

about to have the best blueberries of my life

[ordering from the dollar menu]

me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please

science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes

kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?

I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming

If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.

The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted

Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty

Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.

Husband:

*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*

Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.

Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.

The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”

“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”

I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no

I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.

Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.

I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.

Still my favorite television listing of all time:

roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who

I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.

Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”

Martin Shkreli is in jail.

Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.

Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE

No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.

5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?

Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have

[job interview]

That’s all. Have any questions for us?

“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”

An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.

I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.