*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
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Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.