*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
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My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.