*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
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[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
“Grandma jumped in front of my client.”
-Reindeer lawyer
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
The future is now.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
There’s anxiety and then there’s my 4yo counting to 10 really fast because we’re playing hide and seek and oh my gosh I haven’t found a hiding spot yet
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Carpe DM
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.