Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”

Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not

Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?

Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for

me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there

Toothpick use time frames:

30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it

60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth

90 seconds – Things are getting weird

120 seconds – Sexual predator

Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones

[Casio headquarters, 1975]

CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.

First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?

Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.

Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day

My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.

My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.

HO_SE BOAT

I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat

Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.

I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.

New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!

8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”

– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me

Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺

🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶

Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red

I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.

Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.

“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.

No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.

Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.

Good morning

“FOUND ‘EM!”

Barber: What can I do for you?

Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?

Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?

Me: Can you do it or not?

I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.

I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”

If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.

It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.