Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*

I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.

Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!

‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’

–Me, every 45 minutes

she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay

Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes

I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.

Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.

Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.

trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating

When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo

Friend: Are you on social media?

Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.

Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”

Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”

“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*

Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.

Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*

Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.

Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.

I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.

Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach

I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.

My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back

The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will

Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.

WebMD: In the morgue.

CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap

If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.

Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions

Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????

Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*

My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover

[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?

DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p

ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia

911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?

i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly