*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
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My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.
stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.
adding to the discourse
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that