*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
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50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Just my luck I get a hypnotist with pink eye.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
[eats all your cotton candy]
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.