Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”

And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”

My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one

The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.

[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*

I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.

I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?

I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.

I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.

Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.

covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers

carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe

Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.

Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*

I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.

Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%

I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!

Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.

Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.

I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.

What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog

Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard

*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family

*doesn’t die

Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!

#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.

Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.

[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!

If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or

boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time

if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.

The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war

It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?

“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”