Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shakespeare: murder most foul…

goose: what the duck did you just say?!

vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian

every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish

Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.

12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!

ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years

If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR

Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.

My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter

When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it

I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.

12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.

Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.

12yo: Kids do that?

Me:

12yo:

Me: No.

5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.

Me: So?

5-year-old: My life is falling apart.

Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.

my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans

what scares me is that she didn’t care

fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg

stormtrooper: *sighs*

*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*

Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.

I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.

nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early

jeff bezos: moon’s unionized

nasa employee: what?

jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized

he said he adored my imperfections.

and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????

No One:

No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?

girl: i love philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher

I think my husband is psychic!

“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”

{from other room}
“You look great!”

*eating freshly baked cookies*

4: I want lots more!

Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache

4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!

Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.

A horror story in seven words

Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!

Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>

I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed

Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.