*puts words between two asterisks*
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If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult