*puts words between two asterisks*
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You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
work smarter, not harder
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.