*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
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Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary