this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
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Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
WHAT ARE WE?
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
No, then Twitter
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow