*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
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[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey