*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
You Might Also Like
inside you are two wolves
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Seek kebab; not attention
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.