@Piecezilla

Putting a bell around a cow’s neck to circumvent its stealthiness is just wrong. I say let them hunt.

You Might Also Like

@Darlainky

Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.

@yenniwhite

Goodnight room

Goodnight moon

Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June

@NakedHangover

Trojan should be sponsoring Teen Mom. That show is the best advertisement for why you should always wear condoms.

@Kat_ZenJammer

He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink

@KeetPotato

me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”

@KeetPotato

oh, so now star wars is the best thing you’ve ever seen, is it?
“yes, and?”
so you’ve forgotten about the time we saw a snake wearing a hat?

@FrenulumBreve

[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM

@Underchilde

A friend was telling me about quantum mechanics and I told her how I hate it when the safety seal on ketchup leaves that clear film behind.

@StarWarsProblms

Qui-gon: You will give me the parts

Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks

Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?

Watto: I will give you the parts

@TheBoydP

Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.