Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.

Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”

Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling

The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.

If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?

I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’

Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?

Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.

[Whoville]

Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks

Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess

Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit

Me: Seems harsh

Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him

Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying

I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?

~ me 30 minutes into dieting

GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned

HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no

“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”

The future:

Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.

my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems

[in a club]

ME: have you seen my moves?

HER: no

ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*

STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.

The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.

Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge

Me, a rhinoceros: nice

Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.

Him: Make a will?

Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.

*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.

WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock

[After my death]

WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband

*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*

WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!

Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming

[phobia support group]

host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.

me: [tearing up]

host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?

me: tsunamis

Me: I’m having unusual urges!

Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.

Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.

I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.

If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.

Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.

Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.

Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?

Perfection.