putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep
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Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
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Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.