Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.

[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”

My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.

18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.

Me: …

Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.

Cat: *meow*

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*

[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*

saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone

How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you

For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade

Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing

Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?

My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of

So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?

the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”

MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this

FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*

I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.

Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.

Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.

me: never meet your heroes

also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please

7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!

Me: suddenly now you can do math

Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.

My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen

Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese

Girlfriend: Yes probably more

Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.

wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap

[job interview for psychic]

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME: Well played.

Me: I’m a mature adult

Also me: