putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep
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There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying**By a massive crocodile
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.
From my Mom
Succinctly put.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”