Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.

I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.

If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”

I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of

Mad Max Arctic Road

I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.

just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook

The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.

[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*

[performance review]

boss: what would you say is your biggest strength

me: i’m consistent

boss: but you’re late every morning

me: ya

Condensed milk is from dwarf cows

fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes

me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no

“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*

My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”

Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.

The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.

[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music

me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol

waiter:

me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha

waiter: where are ur clothes

The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:

– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us

I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.

Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.

do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots

Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.

Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets

Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now

Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.

*sprains wrist doing sports

“MY NACHO HAND!”

Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.