Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.

66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”

(Husband asks to see my phone)

Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.

I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.

Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”

Me: “Is there an elevator?”

I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.

But hey, Karen got a puppy!

Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.

It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.

Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about

Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”

I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.

agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer

me: it’s off the table

agent: {muffled} ..what about the second

me: also off the table

agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then

me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here

I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted

“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror

I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.

My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.

Happy thanksgiving!

Killer: come out come out wherever you are

Me: *hiding*

Killer: omg what a cute puppy!

Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man

Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.

Me: *sits* *bounces*

Salesman: What do you think?

Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.

Salesman: Please leave.

“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”

girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!

At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.

me: he walking like a cold duck
other friend: with his freezin duck ass
another friend: cold duck much??
friend who always ruins the riffing with something serious: guys what side are your appendix on?

So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.

Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter

How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.

I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not