Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
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me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
I picked my nephew up from daycare today, Mind you, he’s biracial but looks like a white kid. They asked him if he knew who I was and why did this man look me dead in my face and say he didn’t know me…
Had them people ready to call the cops on me.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,