Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.
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sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.