Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.
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Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave