Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
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We don’t deserve birds.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
look at me when i’m typing to you
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
*Creating a new social media app*
“It’s good but will it divide people? If not then what’s the point.”
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.