Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*novela book bar*

bartender: let me guess books not booze

him: tequila …

bartender: ’bout time here you go

him: … mockingbird

bartender: there it is

Robber: *is literally robbing my house*

My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls

you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”

I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”

Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.

23. the denim jacket

Me: I’m ghosting him.

Her: You stopped talking to him?

Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.

I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.

Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.

Roadtrip thread:

We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.

My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.

[dressed like Slave Leia]

Them: Haha ready for Halloween?

Me: Halloween?

My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.

Happy to report that I have finally digested all the stuffing I ate since Thursday. Now onto to the mashed potatoes

I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account

couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom

You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …

But I won’t.

I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!

‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.

Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.

“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”

My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.

Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.

Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.

Be careful what you put out there.

King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?

King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping

Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD

Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.

[Starbucks Assassins Inc]

CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John

BARISTA: [writes] Jamie

C: Ok. Memorise it

B: [eyes shut] Janet

My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.

Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so

He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”