*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
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Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
“and how does that make you feel?”
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
I am, perchance
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.