Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious

[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right

Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this

Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?

“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.

That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.

How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding

ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.

I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.

Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone

My phone: Yeah, you crack me up

The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.

While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.

(home depot)

frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower

No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.

dec 26 to jan 1 is like the days after spotify wrapped… you can listen to/do whatever you want and it doesn’t count against next year’s naughty list

what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect

To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.

Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”

*hand over my wallet*

Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”

I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.

I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.

New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?

Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos

“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?

He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO

mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.