*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
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My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.
To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
