putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.
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I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
A huge thanks to the person that did this
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?