putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.
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Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.