putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.
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Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?