*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
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My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?