*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
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Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
The devil.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Half of this strand of Christmas lights doesn’t work so I’m just going to ball it back up and toss it in the bin so it can piss me off again next year.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke