Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
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Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Traveler’s camo
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
It’s amazing how much destruction a 4yo can cause between the hours of 5:30 and 5:37 am.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*