Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
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detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
“you recording!?”
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you