Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How people walk when they’re:

DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*

RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers

my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers

dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you

Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them

Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond

Costco ….

Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….

and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.

“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”

-soon to be disappointed praying mantis

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?

You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.

13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.

Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.

13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”

Do I fail parenting now?

April showers? Big whoop, so do I.

Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.

“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”

[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.

Never mind, someone else just got on.

you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker

A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for

Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry

Harry: i’m a what

Hagrid: a blizzard

Harry: a what

Hagrid: a scissors

Harry: what

Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward

If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?

Me, losing my shit:

Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!

I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight

[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one

Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”

me on ellen

ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen

me: yeah

*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*

both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt

I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed

[God creating burps]

Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?

Angel: yes sir

O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!