[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
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she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*