[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”
The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
