[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
