Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?

A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.

Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.

If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.

In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green

young jesus: mom where do babies come from

joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?

WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME

Canadian winters be like:

Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.

Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing

CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?

NSA: “U2’s New Album”

Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business

Greeting card

[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.

Mars: I have a boyfriend

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!

*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*

Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.

Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.

The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.

Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there

Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.

I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth

Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants

Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.

Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!

Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.

What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.

Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!

*sigh*
Me: thanks God!

My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms

Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.

Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.

Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.

Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*

Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.

Me: *starts another book while I wait*

*two hours later*

Libby app: Your hold is ready.

I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.