Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
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I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
So that’s what we looked like?
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.