Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.

Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.

Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.

I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order

What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?

Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.

Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.

I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife

I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3

Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I

Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.

Please send chickpeas.

Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.

RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go

Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars

My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.

I gave her money for her ticket.

The boy paid.

I did not get my money back.

I learned an important lesson about dating today.

I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.

OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.

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OMG DAD WAT?
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I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please

I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?

~ kid logic

This bank app is great for checking account activity!

Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.

tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win

Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks

“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.

April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox

You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*

*dressed a toddler

We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice

I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.

WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.

THERAPIST: is this true?

ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?

You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.