Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did

MOM: Where’s your father?

What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?

I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space

There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s

I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.

I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live

Jack: I want to be nimble

Genie: ok

Jack: and also quick

Genie: ok those are the same thin-

Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle

Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)

Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though

[When your mom calls you by your full name]

Mom: Scoobert Doobert!

Scooby: Ruh roh

An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.

couldn’t resist

You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”

“I’m gonna leave the study room for a couple hours.”
“So another patron can use it?”
“No, my stuff’s in there.”
“So you’re not using it.”
“I am using it. For my stuff.”
“The rooms are for people, not stuff.”
“My stuff is an extension of me.”
“I should have gone to law school.”

“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”

Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.

The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.

*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.

My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.

[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good

Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.

T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.

I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.

I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude

“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see

As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees