*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
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model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
can’t talk my ride’s here
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
won’t smith
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.