Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.

Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.

Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻‍♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻

Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

The morning after pill, but for tweets

You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.

I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.

Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.

if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit

PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet

[i look out the window]

[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]

New mindset, who dis?

People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.

[ bad kitty ]

me: cut it out

cat: ?

me: stop it

cat: ?

me: knock it off

cat: now we’re talking

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…

Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame

Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.

Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.

But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.

Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.

yo LA chill out with your restaurant names

“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.

tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim

Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.

ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?

WIFE: Your crocs are melting.

i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them.

My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.

Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really matters

Bohemian Rap-sody

I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.