*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
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Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
#growingpains
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
He’s cranky this morning
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.
my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.