Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

*eulogy*

Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo

Me: dad always hated my banjo

M: whew

Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now

Me: “Wanna see something cool?”

*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator

Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.

What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?

“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.

Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.

ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris

Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.

{concert}

eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED

Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake

Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater

if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot

Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.

Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.

Doctor: Your daughter is 10.

Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.

The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.

i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs

Me: Yay! No more periods!

Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.

Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!

Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.

Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.

me: i need a dr appointment

reception: ok plz verify your birthday

me: it’s this friday

reception: thanks

me: but you don’t have to get me anything

reception: umm, ok

me: there’s really nothing i even need

reception: ok i wasn-

me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12

“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”

“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”

[from outside]

“…hakuna banana.”

Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.

Him: Grew peas?

Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.

YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir

Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes

Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you

Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.

But other times, I’m sleeping.