*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
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Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*
I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
☠️
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?