Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on

Christian Bale: What?

A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever

Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*

By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.

-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable

My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.

My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job

Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.

My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.

Going to the bank for a loan, so excited can’t even put my ski mask on

You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back

the prophecy has been fulfilled

*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*

I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”

And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.

me: it’s okay in my book

5: what book? can I see the book?

me: it’s hypothetical

5: what’s hypothetical mean?

me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…

Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.

Anyway. Monkey for sale.

Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation

It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in

If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.

I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questions

I’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management

“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”

-Me, as a therapist.

I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”

Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*

Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*

Kid 2: *hold my espresso*

Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶

Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁

Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.

If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.

My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age

don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry

– me taking a joke

Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.

I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.

Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.