Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
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HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!