(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
These modern phones are great but I miss the days of old Nokias… you know if you were out and needed a hammer, a weapon or even an anchor for a boat.. voila
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
I’m ready to try another planet.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
*apocalypse happens*
My kids: This place doesn’t have any wifi?
Me: No place has any wifi.
My kids: Ugh. This is the worst apocalypse ever!
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
due date
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
