*putting kid to bed*

Me: Goodnight, buddy, I love you.
Sleep tight.

7yo: Dad, you have to make sugar cookies to bring to class tomorrow. Goodnight!

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Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.


Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.


Sounds like something just fell in my basement so I’m going to do the normal thing and ignore it for 4 years.


I hope the guy who named the “walkie talkie” called his home phone “standie talkie” and his toilet “sittie shitty”.


I saw a woman crying on a park bench so I sat down and hugged her and whispered “please stop stealing my spotlight”


I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out


Sometimes when my gf is asleep, I like to sneak into the living room, put on her dress, and pretend I wear the pants in this relationship.


[At the register]

“Find everything ok?”

“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”