Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
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“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Check out the legs on this baby
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
[canadians at you, canadianly]
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo