Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.

My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.

If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.

Expected my family to chew me out this morning bc I ate all our cans of Who Hash last night but luckily we were also robbed by the Grinch last night so I blamed him for taking the Who Hash and my stupid Who family totally bought it LET’S GOOOO 🗣️🗣️🗣️

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.

I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.

I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.

You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.

Her: I think my fathers in jail.

Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.

Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.

Me: lets go get a drink!

Friend: what’s the occasion?

Me: …

Friend: …

Me: I don’t understand the question.

Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar

Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.

According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to

People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.

Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*

Sheriff: can i help you son?

Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?

Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.

{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.

These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.

Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.

my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s

Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit

I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.

How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?

There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.

*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one

Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody

I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash

Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet