Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts

Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.

Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?

Me: Because you’re also a wreck.

*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.

[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad

[Hardware store]

ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*

WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up

ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET

It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails

Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.

Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!

Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that

“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”

A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.

My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?

Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.

Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.

Her: OMG I love The Rock.

Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?

The old gods are rising again.

Cricket Audience: *goes wild*

Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd

In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.

Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.

Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?

Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”

Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.

Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.

Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.

if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s

Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.

One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.

Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.

[god inventing humans]

angel: what does it do

god: creates, loves, invents…

angel: awesome

god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character

angel: wtf

god: it also makes quiche

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”

What does a cannibal eat for a snack?

Finger food.