Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.

therapist: no.

Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.

Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that

Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

007: the name’s bond…james bond

me: nice to meet you bond james bond

007: just james bond

me: bond just james bond

007: no my full name is just james bond

me: nice to meet you just james bond

007: you know i can legally kill you

me: no, never met him

007: *draws weapon*

Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.

Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.

So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?

Date: So what’s your backstory?

Me: Arthritis.

me: [nervously] how often do these things crash

flight attendant: just once usually

Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.

Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!

Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?

I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.

hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER

On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks

sumtimes i go 2 hard tho

Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful

This is my emotional support yacht 🎀

betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.

If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.

Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats

I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.

Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?

[A few hours later]

Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*

Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?

Me: You mean like water water or bath water?

Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.

It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure

Why would you ask me for directions?

You just saw me walk into a closed door.

Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.

My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.