putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
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My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
The Weeknd is back
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
saving face 👀
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains