Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.

“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”

*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas

I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton

Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-

Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity

Professor X: welcome aboard

First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.

A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.

I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.

My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.

You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?

I wish I could do that for my life in general.

Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice

My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.

Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.

the pigeons are already plenty salty

I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.

How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays

Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.

[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.

[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*

If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.

[interview]

Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?

Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”

me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared

Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.

I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up

BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward

I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.

If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration

Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope

Doctor: stethoscope