Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
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My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
We like the way Dwight thinks
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture