Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.

Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?

Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*

#ThisMakesMeLaugh

Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar

My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back

Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that

Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on

[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]

“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*

I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.

The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.

Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’

Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’

Therapist: ‘Really?’

Me: ‘No.’

I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.

Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat

I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”

If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.

{emceeing banquet}

Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*

[Shopping for Deodorant]

I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.

Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.

[Adopts emotional support dog]

Me: *Vents*

Dog: Runs away*

Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level

Me *sneezes*

My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF

I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.

Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.

Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.

Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.

Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.

Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train

5: I can count to 90!

Me: Really? Show me!

5: Ok here we go…

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90

Me: Nailed it.