Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
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If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son