Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??

Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club

Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would

My worst case scenarios:

•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.

interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]

Wife: Can we eat outside?

Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.

Student: “May I go to the toilet?”

Teacher: “What for?”

Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”

Creepy-crawlies

It’s password awareness Friday.

Today I offer free consulting.

Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.

Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.

Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?

You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.

waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING

I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.

No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.

Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.

If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact

a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.

You can get poptarts but you can’t get momtarts because of the pastryarchy.

Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job

I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in

Interviewer: what makes you stand out?

Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.

Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?

Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.

Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?

Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together

Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?

Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.

Bully: gimme ur sandwich

Me [pulls knife]

Bully: hey man I don’t want any-

Me: -crusts. i know

a McRib killed my tapeworm

Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.