Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
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[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.