Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
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It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Your soulmate is too smart to date you
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.
“No, my money is in it.”
“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”
“In case I need to make a bet”
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.