Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
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When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
another case of gang violins
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.